Random Early Memories

Half grown grass comes to mind,, when I remember looking towards the road from our yard,, the yard that seems so incredibly large for my small eyes.. those small eyes searching for my trike.. My tricycle, the first one, with the white plastic seat and bars of purple.. let's not forget the fancy streamers that dangled listlessly from the handles. How it got but just a few feet from the road, I don't recall..but I won't forget the warning yell I received as I sped myself towards it.. and the road. "Get back here!! I will get that for you!" The words that sprang from my mother's mouth. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked around at the small white house of whose porch my mother was leaping. She looked like she had seen a ghost. Of course it, her paleness, was from sheer terror that her baby girl would wander into the busy street. I remember just standing there, waiting anxiously for the retrieval of my trike,, and then focusing my attention to the white '72 Chevy truck that was parked in the yard. It seems now that we were preparing to load up the trike and take a trip.. but alas I can't recall exactly. After my mother draws near and loads the trike,, the memory fades..and the rest of that day in history.. is just that .. history..doubtful that it was a day that anyone remembers for any of its significance.. but those few minutes for some reason are burned into my memory bank. Its not so bad that I only have those few minutes.. can you name any 18 month olds that have a memory they remember into adulthood.. ?? Yes.. it was approximated that I was only about 18 months old when that memory took place.. as we had moved into another house by the age of 2.

When I think back upon my life, and think about my first memories, that is the one that always comes to me first. It makes me wonder why and what significance it had .. or will have. I even remember thinking then remember this.. as I stood facing a fast approaching mother. How odd. To this day, I do have a tremendous memory.. it may not come immediately, but never more than a few minutes that I can pull odd days of my life and recall them so dramatically it was as if they happened only days ago.

As I delve back through my life in times of quiet, I often wonder, did I repress memories of the awful days, the days of regret, the days of torture and abuse? Why is it that no matter how bad it ever got, I recall a happy childhood? When in reality, thinking back with a wiser mind, I know that it wasn't that.. in fact,, not even really close to being terribly great. When I think of my emotions and feelings during those "happy" times.. I distinctly recall being surrounded in my mind with fears and worry of doing things "just right". Will this be the day that the eggshells that I tiptoed over every day, suddenly collapse with the floor beneath me? The waiting to see what kind of mood he's in, to making sure he doesn't know of anything I might have done that day that wasn't up to his standards? The SECRETS! How can I avoid him, and him not read my mind and see how terrified he made me? Was this just an early way to put into place a defense mechanism? Who knows.. if it was.. it saved me.. made my life livable.. got me through. It got me through.. but at what cost?